Dear future boyfriend,

No longer your muse.

Have you ever woke up to a dream, the kind that stole a portion of your heart away the minute your eyes fluttered open? The kind of dream which kept you to wonder, where did that portion go? A dream that consist of a face you vowed you will never forget? a long lost best friend, or one which you spend almost your entire childhood with? The one your heart just refuse to let go? The one that got away? 

The path I took to get here had led me away from that of yours. 6 years I've stopped being a character to your memories and I wonder along those years, have you ever took a day to miss me? Have your eyes ever fell on the empty chair that was supposed to be mine to sit and found yourself wishing I was still there? Have you, love? Have you ever missed me like I missed you?

When I think of you, the monsters in my mind vanish their lethal whispers, and my heart starts to fill itself with serenity and genuine happiness, which flows so tenderly, spilling through my body. It's always nostalgic. The yearn of being able to see you and be with you everyday sometimes forces desperation to tear my heart apart as realization comes to the door, telling me it's absurd and out of the question. Dreaming is all I could afford, it's the closest I will ever get to you. 

At the age of adolescence we met. We may be little, we may be so naive, but we were just kids who found love and liked the way it made us feel.  In a small town that we always referred to as if it was a kingdom, we drew memories I swore I will never fail to remember again and again, even after years and years of growing up. And look what I'm doing now? Let's see if I remember it well.

I used to hang out with your sister playing doctors and other stuffs kids do and it was always at your house. This one time, you fought with your sister because she didn't let you play with us and you really wanted to. And there's this one time when your dog took my slipper and you ran after him to get it back. Ah, my hero. I also remember when we played at the park till the sky was almost dark, which we never noticed because we were having fun, too much fun. The moment when you put your hands on mine while we gathered with our friends telling stories, the moment when you glared at your friend while him and I were sitting together, laughing while playing games. The moment when you said, "yes of course, love." with a cheeky smile when I asked you to draw me a train. I can't seem to forget your voice when you sing. I remember your birthday, your handwritings, the way your fingers wrapped around your pencil when you write, I remember everything about you. I don't know why when I could have been entirely forgotten by you. New memories form and the old ones begin to fade, I understand if that happens to you, though that never happens to me. I won't blame you for that for I am merely a stone. Not a diamond you would never have trouble remembering. 

Funny how this all started when we were 8. Funnier when I'm still stuck with the past eventhough it was 8 years ago. now, you're older and wiser. You'd  found new friends and in a place where all good things come from. Traces of innocence has escaped your feature, and now replaced with a glowing glory of a man. Experienced many things and learned many things, too. Look how far time had left us and how much changes it brought. And now here I am desperately wishing for you to never forget me.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when the skies are grey.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
So please don't take, my sunshine away."

You sang this to me on the day I moved away. One of the many things I will never forget till the end of my time. I love you, and I will always do. I will love you when you found your true love, I will love you even when you have kids. Just remember to tell them about me, okay? And I will love you for as long as time and I'm not planning to stop. They say your childhood stays with you and never leaves. I guess I see the point in that. Never thought the crush I had for you when I was little could stay this long.

Even though I am now living with the doubt that you may not remember me as you used to, you may not remember the reason you loved me before, but I hope that wherever you are, you will always have a person to make you smile. I hope that you will always be happy and that monsters will never be able to reach to you. I hope on lonely nights and weary days, you will find it in you to be cheerful again. Please never stop wearing that smile. And I hope, when you look at me, you will remember all those things that I remember. Maybe, in another life, I will be your girl. But for now, have a damn good life, Dominic. You will probably never going to know this but I don't think I will ever stop having feelings for you, no matter how old I get. 

So long to electric fences.

I always like to wonder how peculiar life can get. The world always has its way of showing me how my plans for myself can not always work. It's like no matter how carefully I am in handling my life's business, I'll always end up in a place so opposite from what I had originally meant to go. Only this time, it didn't feel wrong. In fact, it felt so right.

You will never know how thick of a wall I'd built around me. Adorned with electric fences, I felt safe. Not peaceful, not ever, but still, I felt protected. it was the kind of wall that repelled any presence, any soul from entering while I stayed inside, wondering why isn't anyone coming to be, at least a friend as loneliness started to glue itself around me, before I realised this was how I chose to live. Alone. So afraid of being hurt that I demolished every emotions that preyed on hope until I have none left. A lifeless soul I became. With no light to be found inside me. It was like looking deep into a cave. You wouldn't find any light as it had been banned to enter. And that was what being me felt like. 

It was not until one fine day, when my eyes caught two presence of souls I've known long but never greeted, and as they drew closer, I found myself waiting for them to turn around, trace back their steps to where they had come from, like any souls I've encountered. They were all the same. They would come near enough, but never succeeded to break into these walls I'd created. So when I saw these two wandering around, I knew not to get my hopes too high. But the unthinkable happened. They came closer and closer, and with such grace and humor, they penetrated through my walls, it was like as if my walls were made from clouds, it looked so easy for them to come in. But it didn't make my walls softened, though soon, I had made them my exception. Thus, begins a friendship. 

I feel it is necessary to describe them. 

Even from afar, they look beautiful. So breathtakingly wonderful. These next words I utter I am sure they will never believe, but the truth can't ever be denied. They are the young ones that colour the world, their laughter and cries injects beauty everywhere they go. Their smiles brighter than the Rygill Star, every lines on their faces, their eyes and noses, every bones they own are what makes them what they are and what they are is beautiful. Inside and outside. I have always cogitated is it possible to be beautiful without trying, with yourself as your only make-ups? And then I looked at them and realised-it is. it is possible and they are the living proof of that. 

I won't wish for them to be around forever, because forever has its toll. I will only wish for them to never forget me, and that maybe, in anything I do, anything, they will find the inspiration they need. I hope I will still be alive in their minds till the end of time, even after i'm gone. I don't know if this is possible, but I hope faith would never have to knock on our doors to draw us apart.

Dull musings of my troubled mind

“Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile." -

Little Bee by Chris Cleave

The consuming shade of the dark night suffocating her sight, the aggravating serenity wrapping around every empty space of the room, with nothing but the intoxicating whispers of still air hitting her eardrum, they invite nothing but self-reflecting thoughts to enter her mind with such force leaving her no choice but to give in. Then she heard whispers. They had come back. The little monsters had come back. Sometimes she wonders why when all she had had been destroyed by them. All the little strains of hope, the every little ounce of dreams she have left, all gone, all thanks to their whispers. yet they still came when all that is left for them to devastate had already been wiped clean by their wrath. Defeated and hopeless, she lied on her bed, absorbing every whisper, drops of opalescent tears she let beaming down, so lost, so irrepairable until at one point there, she was close to being dead. But she wasn't.

Once upon a time, perpetual jubilation had itself woven solidly to my soul. When all the motivation I needed could be found within I, myself and no one else. When I was so secure that I didn't even bother to demand myself to build walls. Instead, I built bridges. Those times I pretty much got everything I wanted, just because I had such an enduring belief in myself. I was free to be whoever I wanted to be. As bright as the stars above I shone. How amazing it is that all above sounds immensely ironic now?

I ponder sometimes where, exactly, down the road I've crossed, could I have lost myself? If only God permit to allow me to go back down the paths I'd ever laid my feet on, and search for the lost, shattered pieces that would perfectly fit together to form who I used to be, so I could be alive and be me again. Is hope substantial enough? Though immeasurable doubt tries its hardest to cloud my spirit, I have to believe it's possible, or else I might as well be dead. 

I hope along all the roads I will cross, I will find something, or maybe even someone, to remind me of how wonderful my life once had been, when I didn't ever find the need to bring about constant comparison between myself and other people. When I was capable of being genuinely happy about myself. This I am very profoundly unsure of, but I hope someday, I will find it in me to utter these words;

"I will stop to have ugly thoughts about myself. 

I like me and I don't want to be somebody else but myself."

Yeah...someday.

Japan, Hang In There.

Japan is in a very horrible state of danger, and we all know it. While we are whining about our so-called terrible life, people in japan are struggling to grasp safety and security which are far beyond their reach. While we are starving ourselves to sleep just to look presentable, people in Japan are dying for water and food. While we are complaining about how we dont have a pretty house like some other people, the people in japan dont even have a roof over their head. 


If you care enough to explore facebook, you'll see filthy comments about how the tsunami in japan are the karma for destroying Pearl Harbour ect ect and that they deserve it. Sigh, some people are just born ignorant, aren't they? Wake the fuck up, people! We are lucky we are not there when it happened! Imagine watching our loved ones die right in front of our eyes, imagine dicovering the remaining bodies of our families among the remaining pieces of buildings, imagine the pain we would have felt. God, im sorry for the rude words but these people deserve that.


For the people in Japan, Im sorry i dont have enough money to donate, nor do I have enough possessions that will help. But my prayers are with you and I believe in the power of prayer and miracle will greet you, anytime, any day. It's just a matter of time. Hang in there, allright?

As for myself and my country, I pray to you Allah, for forgiveness and security. I  and every single soul in my land are of people with sins and in all humbleness, we are asking  for your blessing to be spilled upon us. Please protect us, Allah for we are your servants which possess no strengths to fight these disasters by ourselves. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Don't Let 'Em Say You Aint Beautiful.

"When things don't feel right, know that you're not alone."

This is what my bestfriend wrote on my palm in the class. She asked to erase it, afraid it might look silly to me. But she will never know how I felt that day. She will never know how much I thank her for this. She will never know how amazed i was at her ability of detecting my sorrow even when i wasnt showing it. And I will never forget her smile when she finished writing it down. That sweet little smile, gave me hope. 

You stick by me & when I turn you shine my world with your smile.
You laugh at my jokes when they're lame & tell me you love me even when I annoy you.
You're my friend, all that I ever need. If I'm perfect as what you claimed, I wouldn't be w/o you. You're a piece in my life that made me what I am today.
WTF! DON'T YOU GO AROUND BEING DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol. She commented this on my status when i posted quite an emotional one on Facebook. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. How did this kid know me too well?

The thing is, my mum thinks she is a bad influence for me. That she set a bad example. Well guess what mum? She was there when I needed a hug. She knew all my problems. She knew all about me that you couldnt even guess. She never throw curses or bad words whenever I made her upset. She made my life better when things at home weren't even right. She was there, behind me all the time when I needed help. 

And you know what mum? She's a fuckin genius. She made it through Chemistry test even when she did not study at all. She passed greatly on Additional Mathematics and she has such a good personality than you'll ever have. She's got straight A's in her PMR and I know her a lot better than you do and you can keep your ignorant judgements to yourself.

Best friend, I love you. You're beautiful. No, im not saying this because you're my best friend. Im saying this because i thought you should know the truth, that you're really beautiful. 

Re-posting.

The feelings of fear comes overpowering my surrounding, wrapping around me as I pulled my legs close to my chest. I have been left alone in a room full of strangers, been ditched by a friend in an unfamiliar place and have walked in a lonely street with not a sign of soul anywhere but I have never felt this lonely and scared in my 16 years of life.
I hear my little sisters' laughter outside my room and I take my mind back to 11 years ago. I can see the younger version of myself, running wildly around the house, traits of happiness plastered across my face, genuine laughter I let out, it was the times when misery didnt exist.
I take myself back to where I am now, the vision of myself vanished with an imaginary puff and I wonder to myself; I want to be 5 again. I want to be fearless and carefree without having to worry about these things I worry. Why does everyone wants me to fall apart? My sight turns blurry. Tears spring to my eyes and without warning, they fall down my cheek, and without stopping, they continue to flow.
I am 16 and I am miserable. How can this even possible? It is supposed to be the age of fun, the age of experimenting, the age of exploring. I guess i had chosen the wrong path. Where I am now is not a wonderful view. I want to go back and start over.

This is what I do when i'm upset. I write a short note about it. This may sound silly and stupid, but it is my only way of expressing myself. everytime im noting down my feelings into words, i can just feel the pain, flowing down from my heart to my arm, all the way through the end of my pen and  and when it comes to the tip of it, i feel a relief spreading inside my body, like a shot of cold water after a scorching hot day. And that is how I feel now. I am not sure about tomorrow, but i'll worry about it when I have to. 

I Wish I'd Never Grown Up.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

This is the song that i would sing to myself if i ever be given the chance to turn back time and talk to the younger version of myself.

We All Have a Story, of Adolescence and All It's Glory.

This is a story about a girl.

The girl who has always been a loyal believer of the fairytales.

The girl who believes every story starts with a 'Once upon a time...'

And ends with a 'happily ever after..'

Eventhough she is aware that reality would always try to break into her thoughts and whisper the heartbreaking words, "Life is not a fairytale, sweetheart. Wake up."

But poor girl, she would shook her head and hold her ears, refusing to listen.

Little did she know, there will come a day where all her hopes will be destroyed,

by just a small but hurting action of a person whom she put all her love to.

I always like to start my story with 'Once upon a time...' and although i try my best to end it with a 'happily ever after..', there will always be that something which i come across down the road that leads my story to the opposite way. And this is just one of my unsuccessful attempts of turning my life into a storybook.


I fell in love. He was not a prince, nor did he own a white horse. He was once just a small boy with a dream. We lived in a small area of a town, too far away from the hustle bustle of the city. Years passed by, we grew out of our soft skins and in a blink of an eyes, we were as tall as a tree.


As i think about all this, i count the moments we are apart and realise, we have left that phase of adolescence 5 years ago. As my mind revolves around you, i feel my heart conquered by hopelessness and i wonder, out of millions people on earth, why did i fall in love with you? 

Eventhough i knew, it would be impossible to wait on you because, well...it's simple. You will never love me. throughout that 5 years, im sure that you must be in love with someone. though it hurts me to convince myself, but i can't close my eyes to the possibility. I guess this is just me. Always wanting the impossible. well, they all say the forbidden fruit is the sweetest...


I wish i can end this with a 'happily ever after.' but reality won't let me.



Goodbye, prince.
















Music: She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Quote:  Dear heart, why him?

Do You Hear That, Love? They're Playing Our Song.

Have you ever sit on a bench in the park with your head down, waiting for a surprise? a simple hye from a stranger maybe. When it didnt happen, you leave your small notebook on the bench intentionally then walk away and wait for someone to tap your shoulder and says, "is this yours?"


I always hope for something like that. For someone to care, for something to make my day. it could be a hug from a stranger, a sincere smile from an unknown person on the street, or a wave of little hands from random kids you see.


One night, when the time seemed to crawl slow and the pitter patter of the rain hit the window, i was lying on the bed with my face covered with a blanket. I was crying for something bad i'd done to myself. the tears were uncontrolable as i couldnt stop them from falling. Then I felt little hands wander around the surface of my blanket and pull it off my face. i look up and saw a face, a face of a 3 year old kid. my mouth was shut. i was unprepared when she suddenly kiss my cheek and wipe my tears with those smooth little hands. This was unexpected. I smiled and the tears finally stopped.

Music: All About Us - He Is We

 Quote: Children dont grow up. Our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up.

The One And Only Wonder On This World.

I had regrets for choosing to listen to my heart over my head...and i might never learn from it. I might just do it over and over again. 'cause listening to my heart and the way it whispers things i wanted to hear gives me hope. 


this is crazy, but i really don't understand myself. I got hurt so many times by boys i thought were "the one" ( yeahh what a BS.) I cried for boys who never cared. That is the most stupid things a girl could do. But, the thought of falling in love and having someone to love you, makes my heart bloom. so here i am again, wishing for a thing that had let me down so many times before, love.

i wish for a somebody. a somebody that would make me feel alive again. somebody that would fight for me, somebody that would let me cry on his shoulder, somebody that knows me, somebody i would feel comfortable with to be myself. okay...you know what? scratch that. I just want a somebody that would love me the way no one else does. Though my head says its impossible, heck, i dont care. ( Didnt i tell you i listen more to my heart than to my head? )













And honestly, im getting tired of waiting. I seriously am.

I miss being a 9 year old kid that i was. At that time, you were my best friend. We had the most fun together. Remember when i used to hang out at yr house & yr sister and I would watch Hi-5? &remember that time we were hangin out at the park till the sky was almost dark? I miss that a lot. I know we r not 9 anymore but, we can still be bestfriends, right? Why wont you talk to me anymore? :/ I miss you, you know.