I wonder sometimes how much I mean to you. Some days I'd be silent and wait for you to talk to me and some other days I'd restrain myself from talking to you to see if you'd search for me. Maybe i shouldn't have been doubtful. If I could be honest, I'd tell you how much it kills me to watch as things change knowing that I am no longer in that spot. There's someone else in my place now. I hate that I am so sensitive to changes, that even the slightest one could startle me with such an alarming sense and it is just so ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder if this is my fault. Though I feel like I am the forgotten one, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but pretense was a thing I never had mastered, no matter how much I tried. I over-analyzed things, which sucks. A lot. Maybe I tried too hard to figure out just where I stood with you that I unconsciously created a distance between us. I never wanted this. I never wanted things to change. No matter how much I wish we could be like how we used to be, nothing is going to change the fact that we've drifted apart.
You of all people would know how it feels like to be treated like an option by the one you put first. No matter what your argument is, the way I see it, you scratched my name off your priority's list and replaced it with someone else's. You pushed me away. Then you complained about us drifting apart. As if the decision was mine to make. Well, it wasn't. I was only walking away because you pushed me. You. Pushed. Me. The only thing that bugs the fuck out of me that you easily let what we once had slipped away just 'cause you found someone else like I didn't even matter.
I now have to deal with you not putting me first anymore and though I detest it, I guess I just have to live with it, huh? I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you to let me stay. I'm sorry that you had to replace me with someone else.
I realized now that I need to stop dwelling on things I've lost and start focusing on what I do have. I'm done chasing and holding on. Look where that got me. I'm just done. I don't need to feel like I have to fight for my place to be with my best friend. If I mattered to you, You wouldn't have gave me that option. I don't need to feel unappreciated by you. I'm tired of mopping around about this. Even though it hurts to see the one I used to do everything with, now doing it with someone else, I just have to pretend I'm okay and I'm going to keep lying to myself. Eventually, I would have to believe it.
I'm not going to forget about you. You matter to me. But I am going to stop showing you just how much, because it doesn't matter anymore. We've drifted apart. You're happier now. As for me, I'm going to go back to be the person I was before I met you; a lone wolf. At least no one's gonna hurt me when I'm alone.
-09.08.2012
-09.08.2012
