No longer your muse.

Have you ever woke up to a dream, the kind that stole a portion of your heart away the minute your eyes fluttered open? The kind of dream which kept you to wonder, where did that portion go? A dream that consist of a face you vowed you will never forget? a long lost best friend, or one which you spend almost your entire childhood with? The one your heart just refuse to let go? The one that got away? 

The path I took to get here had led me away from that of yours. 6 years I've stopped being a character to your memories and I wonder along those years, have you ever took a day to miss me? Have your eyes ever fell on the empty chair that was supposed to be mine to sit and found yourself wishing I was still there? Have you, love? Have you ever missed me like I missed you?

When I think of you, the monsters in my mind vanish their lethal whispers, and my heart starts to fill itself with serenity and genuine happiness, which flows so tenderly, spilling through my body. It's always nostalgic. The yearn of being able to see you and be with you everyday sometimes forces desperation to tear my heart apart as realization comes to the door, telling me it's absurd and out of the question. Dreaming is all I could afford, it's the closest I will ever get to you. 

At the age of adolescence we met. We may be little, we may be so naive, but we were just kids who found love and liked the way it made us feel.  In a small town that we always referred to as if it was a kingdom, we drew memories I swore I will never fail to remember again and again, even after years and years of growing up. And look what I'm doing now? Let's see if I remember it well.

I used to hang out with your sister playing doctors and other stuffs kids do and it was always at your house. This one time, you fought with your sister because she didn't let you play with us and you really wanted to. And there's this one time when your dog took my slipper and you ran after him to get it back. Ah, my hero. I also remember when we played at the park till the sky was almost dark, which we never noticed because we were having fun, too much fun. The moment when you put your hands on mine while we gathered with our friends telling stories, the moment when you glared at your friend while him and I were sitting together, laughing while playing games. The moment when you said, "yes of course, love." with a cheeky smile when I asked you to draw me a train. I can't seem to forget your voice when you sing. I remember your birthday, your handwritings, the way your fingers wrapped around your pencil when you write, I remember everything about you. I don't know why when I could have been entirely forgotten by you. New memories form and the old ones begin to fade, I understand if that happens to you, though that never happens to me. I won't blame you for that for I am merely a stone. Not a diamond you would never have trouble remembering. 

Funny how this all started when we were 8. Funnier when I'm still stuck with the past eventhough it was 8 years ago. now, you're older and wiser. You'd  found new friends and in a place where all good things come from. Traces of innocence has escaped your feature, and now replaced with a glowing glory of a man. Experienced many things and learned many things, too. Look how far time had left us and how much changes it brought. And now here I am desperately wishing for you to never forget me.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when the skies are grey.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
So please don't take, my sunshine away."

You sang this to me on the day I moved away. One of the many things I will never forget till the end of my time. I love you, and I will always do. I will love you when you found your true love, I will love you even when you have kids. Just remember to tell them about me, okay? And I will love you for as long as time and I'm not planning to stop. They say your childhood stays with you and never leaves. I guess I see the point in that. Never thought the crush I had for you when I was little could stay this long.

Even though I am now living with the doubt that you may not remember me as you used to, you may not remember the reason you loved me before, but I hope that wherever you are, you will always have a person to make you smile. I hope that you will always be happy and that monsters will never be able to reach to you. I hope on lonely nights and weary days, you will find it in you to be cheerful again. Please never stop wearing that smile. And I hope, when you look at me, you will remember all those things that I remember. Maybe, in another life, I will be your girl. But for now, have a damn good life, Dominic. You will probably never going to know this but I don't think I will ever stop having feelings for you, no matter how old I get. 

No one ever stays long enough. Eventually, bonds break, if not loosen and awkward silence takes over. It's a matter of when or who comes along. I've been replaced and I damnably despise it but replacement, I guess is necessary, apparently. 

Born to be assumed, never to be understood.

There are lot of different versions of "me", depending on who your sources are. But what only bothers me is that I never feel the need to give even a flying fuck to these distorted explanations and exagerated assumptions. People can have different views on who you are, but there exists a person who truly, genuinely understands every reasons behind everything you do, every emotions you feel and that person is yourself. Sometimes, I'm too tired to be polite, and they label me disrespectful. Some other time, I speak my mind and they call me gauche. The society is too grandiose to please, so I never bother to try. Some people are just not worth it, so why bother to care? The excitement of being a misfit is profoundly satisfactory.

Being hated for who I am for I am beyond their incapacious little minds ought to be heaven on earth. Now excuse me while I let those people continue to wonder.

If you were hoping I would at least write something happy this time, you should have known it is never my forte.

      She woke up at 6.05 and checked her phone. Nope. No messages. She retreated back to her sleep and woke up again at 8.50. She woke up to an empty feeling and it was Saturday morning. The story of her life. To avoid from weeping the morning away, she grabbed her novel from beside her bed, hoping it could be a distraction. To her luck, she’d stopped at the page where all the sad plots are taking place. Great. She resumed reading anyway, and continued on reading as she followed the story, every words reminding her of herself. She was surprised about how alike she was to the character of the novel. So much for not weeping the morning away, she thought, as tears dribbled down her cheeks. S
     There she was, sitting on her bed, typing on her laptop. the curtains still closed, not wanting the rays of sun to invade and destroy her dark surroundings. She figured it suited her mood at the moment; dark and empty. As thoughts swirled in her mind, she began to realise, sadly, that she had gotten very used to weary mornings. She was left then, with one thought that seemed to stay longer than the other; Why couldn’t she just be happy?

I always thought that my being so fucking insecure all the time was only a phase. That I would get over it in a matter of time. I thought wrong. Once again, I felt alone and lost in the presence of a crowd of friends. I am a misfit, always have been. I never really stand in any groups or categories, though I would let them influence me for a while, but I always go home to myself once I'm alone, when there's no one whose mind I could clone. It sounds so very intriguing, being different. But you will never appreciate normality until you've experienced how dreading being different felt like. But then again, what is normal anyway?