Before you judge me for being heartless, remember this. Remember the time when you had any cuts or bruises across your skin. Remember how much it hurt the first time. Then remember when you tried to press against them over and over until you became numb of the pain, until the cuts or bruises didn't hurt as much as it did before. Lastly remember how you were unable to feel any pain or whatsoever from that moment on. Do you remember? Remember that  well 'cause that's exactly how I feel now. You've hurt me so many times, over and over that finally when it all ends, I don't even feel anything. A nice, observant friend of mine once asked why I wasn't crying when everyone was crying their eyes out. The answer is easy. I'm grown numb to the pain. I'm emotionless, heartless and I've got you to thanks for that.

Don't get attached.

I wonder sometimes how much I mean to you. Some days I'd be silent and wait for you to talk to me and some other days I'd restrain myself from talking to you to see if you'd search for me. Maybe i shouldn't have been doubtful. If I could be honest, I'd tell you how much it kills me to watch as things change knowing that I am no longer in that spot. There's someone else in my place now. I hate that I am so sensitive to changes, that even the slightest one could startle me with such an alarming sense and it is just so ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder if this is my fault. Though I feel like I am the forgotten one, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but pretense was a thing I never had mastered, no matter how much I tried. I over-analyzed things, which sucks. A lot. Maybe I tried too hard to figure out just where I stood with you that I unconsciously created a distance between us. I never wanted this. I never wanted things to change. No matter how much I wish we could be like how we used to be, nothing is going to change the fact that we've drifted apart.

You of all people would know how it feels like to be treated like an option by the one you put first. No matter what your argument is, the way I see it, you scratched my name off your priority's list and replaced it with someone else's. You pushed me away. Then you complained about us drifting apart. As if the decision was mine to make. Well, it wasn't. I was only walking away because you pushed me. You. Pushed. Me. The only thing that bugs the fuck out of me that you easily let what we once had slipped away just 'cause you found someone else like I didn't even matter.

I now have to deal with you not putting me first anymore and though I detest it, I guess I just have to live with it, huh? I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you to let me stay. I'm sorry that you had to replace me with someone else.

I realized now that I need to stop dwelling on things I've lost and start focusing on what I do have. I'm done chasing and holding on. Look where that got me. I'm just done. I don't need to feel like I have to fight for my place to be with my best friend. If I mattered to you, You wouldn't have gave me that option. I don't need to feel unappreciated by you. I'm tired of mopping around about this. Even though it hurts to see the one I used to do everything with, now doing it with someone else, I just have to pretend I'm okay and I'm going to keep lying to myself. Eventually, I would have to believe it.

I'm not going to forget about you. You matter to me. But I am going to stop showing you just how much, because it doesn't matter anymore. We've drifted apart. You're happier now. As for me, I'm going to go back to be the person I was before I met you; a lone wolf. At least no one's gonna hurt me when I'm alone.

-09.08.2012

Date a girl who reads.

Via Tumblr


Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.