If I could take a picture of my inner being, I would.

Look at her. Look at that blank expression painted across her feature. Look at those eyelids, look how they invariably cover her eyes. Even with her eyes trailing the ground, can you sense that rays of void penetrating through? A trace of something that once had been hers, but now have been taken away, she could never get rid of it, it's forever attached with her. A reminder of her past, that continues to trail her present, a never-ending ache that goes on to discolour her every second she's alive.

If only they knew...

How exquisitely she keeps a straight face while everything inside her collapses, an art of deception she was forced to master. How her feet taps the ground with such slow, serene steps while inside her it's a war. When, between steps, her sight would fall upon those faces, of familiarity and bliss which a twisted path had sent both of them to a dark place where their field of vision are blindfolded with misled perception, and now had made them a stranger to each other. How, as fast as a split second she cuts her eyes away and resume her steps, cogitating and half-hoping to feel any sort of pain to jolt through her hardened exterior, begging for coats of tear to strain down her face, and finally tasting the virulent void...but often her attempt came to a disappointing end.

A few trips to her mind and she finally got the answer. Why she is so numb to all those pain. Why she is incapable of feeling anything. Why it only hurt the first time. It's like experiencing a bruise. Touch it while it's new and it's going to hurt like hell. Repeat it continuously and you'll eventually grown to withstand the pain, and it's not going to hurt you anymore, no matter how many times you try to press against the bruise. That's how she is now. She had gone through it too many times to feel any kind of pain. it's sad, really.

If she could take a picture of her inner being, she would, as there is no other way she could portray what it's really like inside of her. She's unable to cry, no. She's too numb for that. Everything is falling apart, and this is her, surrendering.

Before you judge me for being heartless, remember this. Remember the time when you had any cuts or bruises across your skin. Remember how much it hurt the first time. Then remember when you tried to press against them over and over until you became numb of the pain, until the cuts or bruises didn't hurt as much as it did before. Lastly remember how you were unable to feel any pain or whatsoever from that moment on. Do you remember? Remember that  well 'cause that's exactly how I feel now. You've hurt me so many times, over and over that finally when it all ends, I don't even feel anything. A nice, observant friend of mine once asked why I wasn't crying when everyone was crying their eyes out. The answer is easy. I'm grown numb to the pain. I'm emotionless, heartless and I've got you to thanks for that.

Don't get attached.

I wonder sometimes how much I mean to you. Some days I'd be silent and wait for you to talk to me and some other days I'd restrain myself from talking to you to see if you'd search for me. Maybe i shouldn't have been doubtful. If I could be honest, I'd tell you how much it kills me to watch as things change knowing that I am no longer in that spot. There's someone else in my place now. I hate that I am so sensitive to changes, that even the slightest one could startle me with such an alarming sense and it is just so ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder if this is my fault. Though I feel like I am the forgotten one, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but pretense was a thing I never had mastered, no matter how much I tried. I over-analyzed things, which sucks. A lot. Maybe I tried too hard to figure out just where I stood with you that I unconsciously created a distance between us. I never wanted this. I never wanted things to change. No matter how much I wish we could be like how we used to be, nothing is going to change the fact that we've drifted apart.

You of all people would know how it feels like to be treated like an option by the one you put first. No matter what your argument is, the way I see it, you scratched my name off your priority's list and replaced it with someone else's. You pushed me away. Then you complained about us drifting apart. As if the decision was mine to make. Well, it wasn't. I was only walking away because you pushed me. You. Pushed. Me. The only thing that bugs the fuck out of me that you easily let what we once had slipped away just 'cause you found someone else like I didn't even matter.

I now have to deal with you not putting me first anymore and though I detest it, I guess I just have to live with it, huh? I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you to let me stay. I'm sorry that you had to replace me with someone else.

I realized now that I need to stop dwelling on things I've lost and start focusing on what I do have. I'm done chasing and holding on. Look where that got me. I'm just done. I don't need to feel like I have to fight for my place to be with my best friend. If I mattered to you, You wouldn't have gave me that option. I don't need to feel unappreciated by you. I'm tired of mopping around about this. Even though it hurts to see the one I used to do everything with, now doing it with someone else, I just have to pretend I'm okay and I'm going to keep lying to myself. Eventually, I would have to believe it.

I'm not going to forget about you. You matter to me. But I am going to stop showing you just how much, because it doesn't matter anymore. We've drifted apart. You're happier now. As for me, I'm going to go back to be the person I was before I met you; a lone wolf. At least no one's gonna hurt me when I'm alone.

-09.08.2012