Chest Clearance

I lead the kind of life where I am discolored by force. Things that happened in the past annihilated me, all the bruises and scars grew around me, eventually becoming a cage, and that's where I've been residing. I still remember, though vaguely, the person I used to be. It's hilarious how a girl who used to love watching Hannah Montana, who used to doodle stars and hearts on her notebook, and when you look at her now, you just can't help but wonder what the hell happened. When I was a little kid, I genuinely believed everything I saw. I witnessed the love my parents had for each other and how they showed it everyday in every gesture. Every day of my childhood I held on to that, to that belief that good things as such will always stay. That one belief I let grew in my heart, building strength within me, making me believe that whatever happens, I will always be fine because I had a loving family to go home to. Or so I thought.

While I have grown toward that age where I started to have a new perspective on everything,  where as I grew older, my innocence started falling, and suddenly, the world seems foreign. Then you started to learn about things. And I learned that everything that contributed to my faith when I was little, was all build by bricks of lies. People change. Things go wrong. Turned out my parents, they're not as strong as I believed them to be. Turned out, their love worn out. All my life I've watched how they loved each other, and now all I see is hate in their eyes. You don't know how it feels, watching something you treasure fall apart. When you have been fed with that kind of bullshit, it changes you. Not little but a lot. Everything I believed in turned out to be not real. How can you not be crippled by that? How can you not be damaged? When your life was build on a lie, how could you not be destroyed? Every time I saw them screaming at each other's throats, throwing hurtful words like they meant nothing to each other, they began to appear as a stranger in my eyes. They are just so different from how I remembered them to be. And every time things fell apart, I would go running to the one and only person who could always manage to cease my sadness; my grandma. She was always there when I looked back. She was my knight of shining armour. 

One of the many things I regret is that I actually believed this too, was going to stay forever. I thought she was always going to be there for me, but of course, the universe is never in my favour. Even when it does, it's invariably temporary. She left, after a while, right when I needed her the most. That was when I lost it. I've experienced loss when I lost my parents and it was almost unbearable. Now the only person I could rely on has left my side, the one person that had been helping me to get through everything has gone. To experience loss twice within a short time is unimaginably crippling. You will never understand just how much suffering that holds unless you went there.

Since that, I can no longer find me. 'Me' has long gone. I began to be terrified of changes, very terrified. Changes were beginning to look like a disease to me, it violates my comfort. Now whenever things start to change, I start to scar even more. And people wonder why I am such a tragedy. I drew barriers around me, just to feel secure. it's funny 'cause I never really experience that anymore; security. I was developing into a person who recoils at the sight of love, very cagey, awfully mortified of being hurt, everything that screams damaged, you name it, I am it.

Even though words have been said, these words are not fully enough to describe just how much exactly the pain I've felt from all this. And it never will be. And if anyone fails to understand, it's expected. 

Some may say they do understand, but truth is, they never wholly do. Some of them even swore that they would never leave me alone, hurt me, you know, all those bullshit. But in the end, it's exactly what they're doing to me, things they vowed they would never do.  I am starting to believe maybe, no one's worth lowering my guards down. Maybe, I'm better off alone. Given my nature, I would understand if anyone wouldn't stand a day with me. So I let them leave. The ones that refuse to stay are not worth chasing for. Those few ones that I could never afford to push away, are beginning to walk away, and maybe it's okay. Maybe this is all right. Maybe I am not worth it.